Apology: a regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure.
"War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn to live together in peace by killing each other's children."
- Jimmy Carter
Have you ever had a repetitive dream? One where you visit a familiar yet embellished building, house or room. — Every time I visit my middle school, the auditorium is somehow one big illusion. The gray concrete is married to Macassar and Purpleheart wood. There are stairs that are only functional when the lessons or obstacle of the moment have been learned. In recent years, I seem to be revisiting this classroom often. It seems as though the stairs have continuously been just out of reach.
I have been many things...many personas...many evils. I have tried to push my views and my practices on others. I have made some uncomfortable, self-conscious, irritated, etc. I have burned bridges. I have severed ties. I have corrupted myself to the point of it spreading like an evolving black hole. I have stripped away the best parts of me to the point of no recognition. Here is my beginning to a new path.
My greatest obstacle is being misunderstood. Not being able to convey my message in a language that the recipient understands. Often times I've experienced what I would call a language barrier. Me, communicating one thing and the listener, hearing another. Often I just want to help, not impose. What I have come to learn though, is that, not everyone wants your help.
It's been said more than once that I need to have control and I do agree, to some extent. Control, to me, is about being able to predict and prepare for the outcome of something. The unrealistic desire for control can inspire some truly gruesome actions. Abuse is one of the strongest acts. Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Financial and Cultural Abuse are all acts that create and enforce fear. Control however, is no more than a sick illusion that never truly exists.
There was a time when I feared the unknown; it resembled chaos too closely. Fear is an idea that will encourage some very bad habits and decisions. It is only because of fear, that control is a useful weapon for both the victim and the assailant. The assailant's fear is what causes them to be abusive; while the victim's fear is what often keeps them from leaving.
In order to make change, you must first accept that change is necessary. In accepting that change is necessary, you must also acknowledge the fault in your behaviors. How can you truly change and do better if you are unaware of what is wrong? Once you can accept that you are not perfect, great things are possible.
It is most important to repent, when you are clearing the slate for a new start. Ask for forgiveness. I found/find this to be the hardest step. Mostly because I take so long that it is hard to remember what actually happened. In the present I am apologizing in the moment as often as I can and doubling back when I don’t.
When you start fresh, you must rebuild your name and redeem yourself from your past self portraits. Redemption is about harvesting your changes into good action. Not just saying, but most importantly, doing better. Make sure that your actions are pure and true. With this you can never go wrong.
Charity is about Reciprocity. Giving because you have received. Returning the good fortunes you inherited back into the world. Charity is important to me because I would not be where I am without it. Charity comes in many forms. Acts of kindness can plant so much goodness inside one’s heart. It’s hard not to acknowledge it.
Although I consider this malicious chapter to be over; there are always unintentional ways of offending those you know and don't know. For indiscretions past, present and future; My sincerest apologies. It is never my intention to hurt someone else. The saying, "hurt people, hurt people" is far too true. In my process of letting my hurt go, I hurt more people than I can remember. It is my purpose now to make amends and stop the perpetuation of this vicious cycle.