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Another Life Lost,
Another Lie Sold.
What you see is
a small representation
of what I choose to show
an intentional gesture
to change how I view myself
an external plea
to attract good karma
to combat the internal struggle
Another Life Lost,
Another Lie Sold.
Everytime you see me
You see who I wish I was
You see who I can never be
Everytime you see me
You see a hope for a better tomorrow
You see a slice of courage for my future
Another Life Lost,
Another Lie Sold.
Everyone struggles.
Everyone’s struggle looks different.
No one knows what anyone is thinking.
No one knows what anyone is feeling.
Be kind to yourself, to be kind to others.
Be kind to others, to be kind to yourself.
Another Life Lost,
Another Truth Minimized.
As someone who is currently dealing with suicidal ideations, a little more frequently than I’d care to share… I have to remember to be kind to myself. I have to remind myself that words have power. Words are some of the most dangerous weapons that we have. It’s easy for us to use words to prophesy and speculate about the lives of others. We often unknowingly (& sometimes intentionally) create narratives that reduce people to what & who we want them to be (or who they were to us specifically) without regard for who they were internally.
I have to admit, yesterday I was angry— visibly angry.
I hate seeing those lost to suicide only be remembered as loving— and funny— and kind— and Happy. Of course they can be those things, but they are also obviously so much more. They are human. They are more than what we see, more than what they share. It bothers me to see phrases and sentiments like:
"how could someone so happy..." - are you seriously implying that happiness can't be a mask? Do you believe that happiness is a winner takes all emotion? Happiness is but one emotion, in a world of real life events that make us feel, deeply and incredibly.
"I never saw this coming" - If you look, you can find it. There are always signs. Always.
"It doesn't matter what you have or who you are" - It never matters. No matter what circumstance we are discussing, it effects everyone. Mental Health, Inflation, Grief, etc. nobody is exempt.
"You never know what someone is going through" - why do you have to know what someone is going through to show compassion? Why do you have to know what someone is going through to be kind, gentle, and (in general) good to them?
"Check on your strong friends" (this one really grinds my gears) - Check in with everyone. Check in with yourself. Check in with your loved ones. Check in with people you run into daily, weekly, occasionally. Check in with everyone. You never know who might be yearning for someone to ask how they can help.
Of course, as I evolve, my language changes; and I too, have used some of these. However, I didn't realize how much of a trigger hearing/reading those things could be during a mental space like the one I am in. I was so triggered because I thought about what people might say about me.
I thought about all the people who only know me to be kind— and loving— and caring... and any other pleasant adjective you can think of. I thought about how I would hate to be remembered only for my kindness and not for how hard I tried to find another solution. How hard I try to stay above ground. How hard I try to be the person that I need, for others. I also thought about the other side of the spectrum. What if no one cares because I wasn't a nice or kind person to them. What if some people didn't have anything nice to say so they didn't say anything at all. I am a complex being. I have good days, I have bad days. There are some moments that I regret terribly. I would have preferred to have done or said something different. I wish I could go back and apologize, to all those affected by my jagged edges, for being such a broken person.
Then I realize I am still that broken person, I've just gotten good at gluing the pieces together. I have a great support system but sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes no matter how kind and understanding they are... my mind is stronger. Sometimes their words aren't loud enough to get through the noise. I am grateful that they never stop trying and they never give up on me. I only hope and pray that I can continue to fight and win for decades to come.
The moral of this blurb is: Be kind with your words, but also be thoughtful with rememberance and social bandwagoning when discussing mental health. Don't just share condolences and resources. Start conversations, express yourself, and be a safe space for others to do the same.
With Berries and Leaves,
the Lily and the Pen
If you are struggling, you are not alone. Please call 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.