A month has gone by...

A month has gone by and still nothing. I am sad, angry, scared, scarred, frantic, everything, anything.

I really don't know how to process all that has happened. Where did we end last month? Angel Number 5 I think. (apparently this is a message that huge changes are about to unfold in my life... lmao)

What do people do with this much knowledge? How do historians do it? How do they learn about everything that was -- while feeling everything that is -- and anticipating everything that will be.

My world is upside down

I'm not sure if it will ever be rightside up.

I have tackled so many firsts

Because I'm into overcoming stuff.

I feel so much and yet I still can't show it. I feel like I don't deserve to mourn. I'm not entitled to feel sadness. I'm just short of, completely lost....

Where is the balance?

I write and I am afraid of how it will be perceived. Who is going to relate? Who will understand? Who will accept? Who will understand?

Yes there are few but... in the grand scheme of things... those few feel "insignificant" for lack of a better word... it feels like the people close know and admire me. Nice. But am I more? I want to be more...

am I only supposed to be here for them? But if that is true, who is here for me? How can we be there for each other if we are all in the depths of sorrow? If we are all dealing with trauma after challenge? How do we partner with each other to share the good in our lives when simultaneously we are experiencing some of the hardest days we have ever faced.

This feels like Grandma. It happened. I am here to support the people I care about. I am here to make sure that they are ok. I want to break down. I want to fall apart. I want to lock myself away into emptiness and stare into the dark where I can find my light again. I want to just find myself in a space of deep depression. I want to be in a place where I have no where to go but up...

But instead, I am in a place of functionality. In a space...

Bo Burnham.. Genius.

...of myopic acceptance. In a space of delusion.

Am I even really here? Am I really there?

Some days I feel like I want to control how I go. I want to pick a day and work my ass off until then and peacefully bow out at that point. That day won't be soon but it's just what I see.

Am I super dark? Or am I just more vocal than most about the balance of polarity in my life?

Ok, so long for now... the story continues...

I love you all. I miss you all.