Just got back from my Day 16 walk. Today was especially hard. I really didn't want to go. I've had a really tough day. Today is my Grandma's birthday. I knew a few days ago that it might be tough... but I didn't know it would be this tough.
Something strange happened today. I cried... over strawberries-- in my ice cream. I've been wanting ColdStone and today, when I finally got it -- I thought it was gonna make my day so much better. When I took the first bite, slightly delicious but something was off. I tasted strawberries. The one thing I didn't want -- strawberries. I took a few more bites and chalked it up to my horrible day looking for something else. The moment I saw the berry though, I lost it. I screamed and ran up to Meji. I immediately busted into tears. He comforted me through the spell and took Kimei so I could process and release.
That's never happened to me before. Well actually, that one time when I was pregnant and cried over a Half & Half. But that's beside the point....
Today I was really sad. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed... but Toddler Mom duties called. While Dad was working, I was with the little... having a blast.
On my walk, I reflected; and a few things cleared up.
My walks don't have to be uniform. They don't have to be at the same time everyday. They don't have to be the same length. They don't have to be the same route. They don't have to be the same.
Grief is hard. It is not in any way, a straight line. It sucks, there is no way to skip any of the emotions. There is no, "better" really. There is only, different. It is a journey that is very difficult -- but a journey, nonetheless.
Life is hard. But continuing to live is much harder.
Imperfect thoughts from an imperfect person. Everything was a challenge today. But tomorrow is another day. Even if it isn't any better, it is still a new day.